Thursday, October 28, 2004


Um, so... my great-aunt (mom's aunt) died last night, and it's totally weird because the second I found out, I started thinking logistics. Do we have to tell mom? (Yes, and she's ok.) Can we manage to go to San Diego for the funeral? (No, too hard for everyone.) What can I do so mom will feel like she's able to mourn like a normal human? (I think we'll pick out flowers together, and send them to my great-aunt's daughter along with a card that mom can pick out.)

So... yeah. Anyway, it's weird because I really liked my great-aunt, but my first reaction was completely without emotion. Even now, I'm thinking about how she was ill and in hospital for a few months, and her husband died a few years ago, and she was starting in on having dementia, so really it's better for her, maybe. Odd how caring for an older person with dementia/Alzheimer's makes you see death as less scary for people in those circumstances.

And that all sounds so, so cold of me! Which isn't how I mean it -- I think after I get mom through her own mourning (and she's dealing *remarkably* well, I have to say) then I can get through mine. But I do wonder how much emotion there is left inside me -- it's like taking care of mom, and developing new friendships and hanging onto old ones are all there's room for in my heart at the moment. Caregiving and the Breakup of Doom with James have sort of forced me to be in survival mode, I know, but is it even possible to get past that anymore? For instance, Kelly, who I'd really like to get to know better because she seems like a really cool girl, suggested that a few of us go out cruisin-for-boys, and I love the idea of spending time with girls, but I seriously can't imagine being *able* to fall in love with anyone... even the meeting-and-flirting-with-boys stage seems like too. much. effort. And sex? Getting naked in front of a new person? Perish the thought!!

Still, I'm *so* not shooting down the cruisin' idea, Kelly! I just mean, when we go out at first I might be shy to the point of you thinking I'm not having fun, which will so not be the case... It's just that I'll be overwhelmed because I was really, really hurt so now love = hurt in my mind, you know? And I don't know if I know how to flirt with all the breakup-weight still on me. But then, maybe breakup-weight is a physical manifestation of needing to coddle myself psychologically?

More questions to ask Shrinkypoo at my next appointment!

And yet again, my personal stuff has spilled out into my knitting blog, so I'm going to cross-post this at Alden's Diary, which is my much-neglected personal LiveJournal/Blog. Not to mention that I really, really miss my LJ friends, and I need to tell them that I'm ok, but I'm not doing a great job of keeping up with them and I'm sorry for it, but I do think of them, like, every single day.

Oh, and also -- this is so trivial but I have to say it -- my great-aunt was a knitter, and I never told her that I'd learned to knit. Part of the not-telling-her was, I'm ashamed to say, my own laziness, and the other bit was that I just thought I'd have more time to tell her. So, now I'm the Last of the Knitters in the Smith-MacRae family -- and all the female members of the Case family are dead, so who knows if they knitted.

(Ooh, except I have a 20-something-year-old niece, Ananda Case, so maybe I can convert her and we can start a Knitting Dynasty.)

SERIOUSLY BABBLING now, so I'm going to go. Trace and Chaun, if you're free for coffee-breakness anytime today, I'd love it, but I totally understand if you're too busy. Just, it'd be nice to see you if it's not an imposition. :) ~hugs~

And, since I'm just going to cut-and-paste this over to LJ, ~hugs~ for my LJ darlings who (Kanna, Cal, is it who or whom in this instance?) I miss terribly and I know I've been neglecting. (Kanna, Cal, never mind re: grammar -- I've clearly become one of the uneducated masses and will never make it back to grad school.)

Love & Rainbows to everyone on Blogger & LJ, and I'm going to go take a Xanax and snuggle up with mom for a bit and let her cry on my shoulder -- I think she needs that just now. <333333 (r)x(r)x(r)x(r). (Oh and Becca honey where did you send your email? I haven't got one at, but I'll go check trotwood(at) now just to be sure.)

Love from,


Blogger reb said...

i did send to, but have now sent to gmail. hopefully it'll show up at one or the other of those locations.

*hugses* and *sympathies* and (r)'s.
am thinking of you, darling. take care of you, k?
*loves you a billion times over*

October 28, 2004 at 11:00 PM  

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